We’re glad to have you back for the second episode of our celebration of willful ignorance and misplaced pride. The continuing, real-life adventures of Trumpette on The Trumpette Show. . .
“NumptyVision interrupts our regularly-scheduled programming to give you this update from the co-host of Hate Speech. Oh. wait. That co-host is gone now, too? That’s the news? But that one only lasted a week and a half. . . WTF?! (sorry, censors)”
So, to recap the last few episodes of Hate Speech: Spicey is out. Huckabee Sanders and the “Mooch” are in (you can’t make this stuff up). Mooch goes with the Liar-In-Chief to tell Boy Scouts about bad Obama and bad ladies on the yacht (who greenlit that tomfuckery?!) instead of being at home for the birth of mini-Mooch. Mrs. Mooch is done with Mr. Mooch, so very done. Mr. Mooch says (quotes are more paraphrased than actual quotes because keeping up with this is harder than it sounds): “OMG, who are the leakers?” *points finger at Priebus* “Priebus posted my shit online. Uuuummmmm, he’s in trouuuuuuuble. Felon, telling on him, yaddah, yaddah” (Not a felony? well, I’ll be damned. Public knowledge? well, I’ll be damned) “Bannon sucks his own cock. I can’t/won’t.” (Does Mooch know he can’t? Has he tried?) “I’m going to fucking fire them all! I’ll kill them and then I’ll fire them.” (perhaps found out Priebus also has autofellatio skill and is jealous? or is this about the “felony?” or Priebus only being an asshole but not crazy like the rest of the Numpties?) Priebus quits. Trump tosses in a “No WH chaos!” for good measure. John Kelly is now Chief of Staff. Kelly says Mooch has to go. Mooch is gone. How long will Kelly last? I wonder if they already fired the guy who installed the revolving door at the White House.
No. No chaos at all. Everything is fine. Nothin’ to see here.
Also, on Hate Speech:
“After consultation with my Generals and military experts, please be advised that the United States Government will not accept or allow……….Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military. Our military must be focused on decisive and overwhelming………victory and cannot be burdened with the tremendous medical costs and disruption that transgender in the military would entail. Thank you”
This was news to 45’s “generals and military experts,” too. At least one person who was being considered for a position in Homeland Security withdrew from consideration after the transgender ban.
Also, “focused on decisive and overwhelming victory. . . ” against whom? Are we at war? What is he not telling us? OMG, please hide the button from the stupid, crazy man!
And on Witch Hunt:
First, Trump tweet, “‘One of the things that has been lost in the politics of this situation is that the Russians collected and spread negative information……..about then candidate Trump.’ Catherine Herridge
@FoxNews. So why doesn’t Fake News report this? Witch Hunt! Purposely phony reporting.”
So, clearly, Fake News did report this. What’s the problem?
The show’s producers weren’t able to determine exactly where this babbling came from, possibly the information Browder provided to the Senate Judiciary Committee. It does not appear to be related to his own people (Jr., Kushner, etc.) being questioned lately. Then again, our host is nuts so it’s anyone’s guess.
This week’s Fuck You, I Got Mine was an exciting ride filled with late night votes and mortal peril. Having had more than seven years to work on a replacement for the ACA that does it better at lower cost and covers more Americans, the GOP chose to use that time to throw fits and yell “no” any time anyone had an idea to “promote the general welfare.” Yep, they could have used that seven years to create a masterpiece and be big, damned heroes to the American people. Instead, of going with the hero option The Party of Violence and Hatetm chose to throw together an eight-page fuck you to Americans, especially women, over lunch. Then they slammed coffee/Monster/robin eggs/Adderall or whatever the kids use nowadays so they could stay up until most of us went to sleep to vote our health insurance protections (and therefore, health care) away. Once again, it didn’t work. Still, McCain got to be a hero after all the half-assed crap he’s said right before he does exactly the opposite of what he preaches. So that was nice.
We had a short episode of Mother, May I this week where our hero, Vice President Mike Pence got special permission to leave after bed time to go to the Senate (a bit of a cross-over episode with Fuck You, I Got Mine, but from Pence’s perspective). His mission: try to talk John McCain into fucking over his constituents and then to sit in the big boy chair and cast a tie-breaking vote, with the reward being ice cream with sprinkles and getting to kick a gay person. Poor, Mikey. Better luck next time.
This has been a special report from NumptyVision. We resume our regularly-scheduled program already in progress:
“. . . and ‘they,’ whoever they are, say that ignorance is bliss. I’ll tell you, folks, Trumpette is the happiest motherfucker of them all. (sorry censors)”
(Fade out from our star, Trumpette, sitting on his couch wearing nothing but a cross pendant and tighty-whities, munching Cheetos, Confederate flag hanging behind him, gun proppped up to his side.)
Damn. We missed it. Guess we’ll have to type in #MAGA (or ‘guns’ or ‘Jesus’) if we want to catch up on the latest conspiracy theories and verses where Jesus says, “verily I say unto you ‘fuck ’em, get the democrats to help them.'”
It’s just as well. This White House is too busy being a chaotic clusterfuck to have time for governing or Americans, and Trumpette wouldn’t know the difference anyway.
(Stay tuned to Republican’s Incompetence Parade channel (aka NumptyVision) for quality programming and made-up quotes attributed to George Washington to argue against protecting people’s First Amendment rights.)
Link: “Trump Removes Anthony Scaramucci From Communications Director Role” – by Maggie Haberman, Michael D. Shear, and Glenn Thrush at The New York Times
Link: “Businessman Paints Terrifying And Complex Picture Of Putin’s Russia” – by Miles Parks at NPR (buried in links, but it’s more important than it looks – perhaps this is what all the other BS was supposed to distract us from?)
Link: “Citing Recusal, Trump Says He Wouldn’t Have Hired Sessions” – by Peter Baker, Michael S. Schmidt, and Maggie Haberman
Link: “If there’s no collusion, why all the secret meetings?” – by Jennifer Rubin at The Washington Post
Link: “Trump’s embrace of Russia making top advisers wary” – by Vivian Salama at AP News
Link: “3 Things To Know Before You Judge VA Health System” – by Harlan Krumholz for Forbes
Link: “Everything You Need To Know About Block Grants — The Heart Of GOP’s Medicaid Plans” – by Shefali Luthra at Kaiser Health News
Link: “Sessions discussed Trump campaign-related matters with Russian ambassador, U.S. intelligence intercepts show” – by Adam Entous, Ellen Nakashima and Greg Miller at The Washington Post
Link to original tweet from Shauna (tweet with the graphic from NYTIMES, includes question of who had ten days in the pool – wasn’t me – thought he’d last longer than than, damn!).
Link to original tweet from Trump about witch hunts.