Attn: “President” Donald J. Trump, Vice-President Michael Pence, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Republican Party Chairperson Ronna Romney McDaniel, GOP membership, and any other treason weasels of the United States of America I haven’t already mentioned
We need to talk.
This isn’t an “oh, no, Mom must have found out something – act innocent” kind of “we need to talk.” We’re way the fuck beyond that now. This is the “oh, shit, I am fucked” kind of “we need to talk.” I’m not going to pretend you don’t know what the fuck you did to the entire country – you know exactly what you did, every last bit of it (and put that sorry little dick away – you’re done fucking us – that sad thing is coming off) – but will instead get right to how the fuck it’s going to be from here on out.
This shit you pulled, some of it, might fly – barely – if we were in another recession (I know it’s coming, but it’s not here yet), at war (NO. You may NOT declare war on anyone. Sit the fuck down.), or if we had billions overflowing from the Treasury. There is no acceptable excuse for what you’ve done. This is unforgivable.
You owe us, our children, our grandchildren, and our future grandchildren, approximately 13 trillion dollars. It’s our money, paid in to provide benefits for us and those who will come after us. It’s time to pay the fuck up, to us and to the proverbial piper.
Since a group of <not you worthless fucks> will be required for some decisions, and since we cannot rely on Congress to do their fucking jobs, we, The People, will elect a group of 239 girthers representing all 50 states and also all of the territories of the United States including, but not limited to, Guam, Puerto Rico, U.S. Virgin Islands, American Samoa, and the Northern Mariana Islands. In addition, this group, hereinafter referred to as the “Girther Committee” (or almighty GC)**, will at least roughly represent America in that not more than 50% of the members can be white, and not more than 49.5% can identify as “male.” Members will be from all social/economic/ethic groups, with a significant number having Hispanic and/or Native American and/or African American ancestors. As for education, members will be required to have completed high school with a diploma or its equivalent, and they will be at least 26 years of age. I hope we’ll go out of our way to be sure this group includes at least two people who have served time in prison as well as people who have spent at least six months unable to find work, some single parents, transgender and or gender fluid people, some who are gay, some who have been unable to find affordable health insurance, and at least a couple of people who have dealt with mental and/or physical illness/disability in their immediate families. I want real Americans represented, people who understand the problems we face.
The entire country will be represented, and each member of the GC will choose two alternates to represent them in the event they are unable to fulfill their duties/be present for a vote or discussion/etc. Each of the 239 girthers shall receive one equal vote whenever the need arises, and said group, when combined with another (for instance, the House of Representatives) will have equal votes with each other member of whichever group they are temporarily working or voting with. Each November, a new set of 239 girthers will be chosen to replace the old members until such time as these worthless fucks in our government can return to the rule of law and abide by the mother fucking Constitution, at which time, this group can retire. Am I making myself clear? Good. Now sit down and shut up, “government of/by/for the People.” We’re only getting started, and you brought this on yourselves.
<mom look with protracted silence in hopes of impressing upon these jackholes just how important this shit is>
This is how it’s going to be from here on out:
- there will be no new border wall or fence (or hedge or moat or shrubbery or any other damned thing). If Canada wants to build one – and who can blame them? – they can, but we’re not going to do that shit anymore. We are a nation of immigrants. Invaders. Fucking colonizers. We won’t even talk about it. It makes use look even dumber and more hateful than we are. So STFU about your idiotic and useless (and expensive) Wall of Hate. Yesterday.
- legalize recreational and medicinal marijuana already and allow our farmers to grow it. Give them one year out of four they are allowed to grow as much as they want. The GC will help you work out the rotation to keep the fields healthy and allow all farmers to share in the profits. Just stop whining about drugs coming into the country and let us provide the supply to meet the demand ourselves. Tax recreational pot like we do cigarettes and/or liquor, create income for states/education. Done.
- there will be no more golfing weekends unless you are going to pay for it all yourself from your personal funds including, but not limited to, transportation to and from, accommodations, two meals per day for those who accompany you, their toothpaste, sodas, snacks, for every person on the trip. There is no financing. We know you deadbeats don’t pay your bills so pay all expenses up front or stay at work. We’re done with your weekly vacations, you lazy fucks.
- there will be no more first class flights, no more military flights, no personal flights paid by the taxpayers. If you need to go somewhere you will show you got the best deal you could for your economy class flight the same as the vast majority of Americans (the ones who will ever be able to have the luxury of flying somewhere, that is). You may pay from your personal funds for an upgrade, extra luggage, etc. if you choose. Again, there will be no financing. You pay up front.
- the president (and V-P) can, of course, take his/her usual business trips on the designated aircraft, but he/she is allowed one taxpayer-financed vacation per year of ten days or fewer that includes his/her spouse and up to three children and/or grandchildren under the age of 22. Aside from that, the president and the same immediate family are allowed one other personal trip of up to five days at Camp David. These vacations are more than many Americans will ever get in their entire lives, and they have to pay for them themselves. Suck it up. These jobs you asked for are not a vacation or a retirement, regardless of what you’ve been led to believe.
- there will be no military parades, no military show of strength, or any other ego- or penis-enhancers not covered by your own health insurance (after a deductible, of course), for any members of the government. If your home community chooses to hold an Independence day shindig or veterans parade, that is fine, but the Federal government will NOT pay for it.
- military spending will return to 2016 levels with one exception: members making less than $70,000 per year can have their standard merit and/or cost of living raises.
- you will immediately begin the process of eliminating Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and sending their duties back where they were before: Immigration Naturalization Service. If the “president” thinks he needs his own gestapo, he can pay for them and their legal bills himself. And they can go to prison with him, too.
- there will be no threats to or insults to or name-calling of any nation or any foreign dignitaries from here on out. We will be monitoring your Twitter, Facebook, mail, phone calls, notes, smoke signals, etc. No more threats, and no more insults. You live in a glass house, motherfuckers, and we’re your housemates. We’ll vote you out in November, anyway, but get used to being a good neighbor now.
- formal apologies (along with some groveling in the case of German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto, San Juan Mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz, Montenegro’s Prime Minister Dusko Markovic, and leaders in Africa, Haiti, etc. – perhaps Brigitte Macron, also, just to be sure) are owed to many politicians and world leaders. You people have a lot of work to do so invest in some attractive stationery, and get crackin’. Do this yourself. The GC will be checking handwriting to be sure you’re doing your own work.
- you will immediately get back to work on reasonable tax reform – real reform, not breaks for people who don’t need them – that includes raising taxes on businesses back to 2014 levels, and on individuals back to 1950 or so levels. We need to bring in at least as much as we pay out. For real, not like Paul Ryan bullshit, but for real. If you don’t like it, you can fuck right off to some other country. See if you can get them to take your worthless ass in without having to sneak in. They don’t appreciate you takers any more than we do. And they also know what you did. (except maybe Russia – good luck, Comrade)
- you will immediately get back to work on a DACA solution that is approved by each of the houses of Congress in combination with the GC. You have until 30 August 2018 to complete this task, and all DREAMers will have the same protections we promised them until then.
- DREAMers who are currently serving in the armed forces, or who have served (and not dishonorably discharged), in the armed forces of the USA will be offered citizenship with all the same benefits and considerations of a veteran of the same status who was born inside the USA. If they want it, it’s theirs. Period. Congress can work with the GC on options for these citizens’ family members to receive consideration as well. These people offered their lives on our behalf. It’s more than any of you treason weasels has done. We owe them. We don’t forget our debts. Or our promises.
- for the remainder of his term, Speaker Paul Ryan will not stop out in public unless he is wearing both a pig nose AND a matching pink- or peach- colored tutu. It is fine if he wears it over his suit, but it must be completely visible even if he’s wearing a jacket. Sparkles are optional (but a nice touch). He may only get out of this by beginning, and not delaying or impeding in any way, impeachment proceedings against the current President, Donald J. Trump. Penalty for not adhering to both the pig nose and matching tutu is 366 days in maximum security prison per occurrence. (This will be handled as a violent felony offense with all that entails)
- for the remainder of his time serving in Congress, Mitch McConnell will not step out in public unless he is wearing, at the least, the mask and shell of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle of his choice. This Donatello version would work well. It doesn’t have to be the same turtle every day, and it is fine if he wears it over his suit, but it must be completely visible even if he’s wearing a jacket. He may only get out of this by not delaying or impeding, in any way, impeachment proceedings against the current President, Donald J. Trump, in the event such proceedings make it to the Senate. Penalty for being caught not adhering to both the mask and shell rule is 366 days in maximum security prison per occurrence. (This will be handled as a violent felony offense with all that entails)
- all pertinent government officials will grovel and do whatever you have to to get back in on the Paris Accords, and you will never again whine like a little bitch about what you think the UN or NATO or any of their members owe you or America.
- there will be no more molesting children, fucking porn stars/Playboy bunnies/interns (unless they’re your spouse or your significant other), no more breaking the law of any kind. If you can’t control your urges, quit. Go. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
- from this day forward, one 18-75 year-old child or grandchild of each Congress person representing the state (if this doesn’t apply to a particular Congressperson, said member of Congress may designate a parent, sibling, niece or nephew) as well as the child or grandchild of the President and Vice-President (the President or VP can go in the place of any of these adult offspring) will go to each school shooting as soon as possible after it has occurred, AND said adult offspring, accompanied by local law enforcement, will be the individuals to clear the scene for bodies to be removed. Furthermore, said offspring will be trained and employed by the government at the rate of $12,000 per year, and it will also be their job to (accompanied by law enforcement) notify next of kin on each and every death or major injury that occurs as part of that school shooting. This group may also be called upon, as their state deems necessary, for mass shootings such as the one at the Pulse Nightclub or the one that happened during the concert in Las Vegas.
- no PACs, members of government (or anyone related to anyone in government), elected or appointed, will be receiving or benefiting from any more bribes/payments, etc. from the gun lobby, pharmaceuticals, tobacco, and anyone else the GC decides to put on this list. At their whim. You’re warned.
- beginning 1 July 2018 all employees who work at the Department of Homeland Security, including the guy who gets coffee and the janitorial staff, will be required to obtain a tattoo of the First Amendment to the Constitution in a conspicuous place on their body such as the forehead, neck, or forearm. It must be made in permanent ink in an easy-to-read font like Times or Arial, and must be at least 12 pt. Submit designs to the GC for approval. Once employment with the Department of Homeland Security is terminated, after a waiting period of six months, said employee may remove or change the tattoo (using their own funds) if they so desire. In the event a person’s skin is too dark for this to show up well or in the event a person cannot, for a valid medical reason, have this tattoo, then they must write out the contents of the First Amendment on their person every single day so that it is legible and prominent. A paper sign handwritten (by the employee) each day and pinned to their front will suffice. The GC will be checking periodically including on weekends and vacations.
- you will make a print out of all people/agencies on your list of journalists and ‘media influencers’ – paper shall be 8.5″x11″ 20 lb 92 Brightness (92, precisely), font is Arial 11 pt, with one inch margins, double-spaced, left justified (not right, nobody likes that, LEFT) – and one complete copy of this list will be given to each of the following individuals: Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, Steve Bannon, Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, everyone on the air in the past year on Fox “News” (as well as one for Ailes’ corpse), Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich, Roseanne Barr, as well as the following members of the Trump family: Donald Sr., Donald Jr., Eric, Ivanka, Jared Kushner. Notice: this might be added to at some point.
- each person who receives a list from the above point will shove said list up their ass and leave it there for a period of not less than 18 consecutive hours. Think of it as a good opportunity to work on your apology notes. I’d recommend you invest in some lube.
- the GC will be sitting in on all hearings for cabinet appointments, nominees for federal judge, etc. Their votes count for just as much as the Senators do, so you’d better step up your game. The nominees you’ve sent, so far, couldn’t even be approved for the Taco Bell drive thru.
- you will back the hell off Rod Rosenstein and Robert Mueller. They are just doing their jobs; let them.
The following salaries and benefits will serve as guidelines and apply to our elected officials – ALL of them – starting 1 January 2019. If you don’t like it, whine to your Mommy, and prepare to leave public service. We’re not running your personal charity here.:
- President, $200,000 per year, before taxes/Social Security/etc. Health care is whatever veterans receive, and retirement is $10,000 per year served as president (complete years – if you’re impeached 11 months in you get nothing and like it) before taxes, and begins the January of the year after the president is both no longer president AND older than age 65. A surviving spouse can receive the retirement money if the president is no longer living to receive it.
- Vice-President, $180,000 per year, before taxes/Social Security/etc. Health care is whatever veterans receive, and retirement is $8,000 per year served as VP (complete years) before taxes, and begins the January of the year after the vice-president is both no longer serving in any public service capacity AND older than age 65. A surviving spouse can receive the retirement money if the vice-president is no longer living to receive it.
- Senators and Representatives – all of them – start at $80,000 per year and may be eligible for a raise of not more than 5% per year. The amount of their raise and whether or not they will be eligible to receive it is based on a vote taken of the teachers, police, firefighters, and veterans, and the students who graduate high school in that year, of their state. The state can decide how the votes are done and when each year. Their health insurance is that of any other Medicaid recipient until they are eligible for Medicare (at which time it switches to Medicare). Retirement is $1,000 per year served in Congress (complete years) before taxes, and begins the January of the year after the Congressperson is both no longer serving in any public service capacity AND older than age 65. A surviving spouse can receive the retirement money if the Congressperson is no longer living to receive it.
The GC may have amendments to this list.
There may be more included in the future. It is, after all, 13 TRILLION DOLLARS owed. The People have spoken. Get to it, weasels.
(Thanks for reading my post, and I hope you got to blow off some steam, too. These people. Geez. If I find typos later I’ll fix them as it was kind of thrown together as a way for us to all laugh at ourselves and all of this and maybe make some sense of this shitshow. Anyway, thanks again, and *hugs*)
Huge thanks to Athgar for all your help on the piper meme!
Link: “$1 Trillion Deficits To Return, National Debt To Rise, Projects CBO” – by Susan Davis at NPR
I tried and tried, but I couldn’t get a frame on the page of an episode of Rachel Maddow’s show that I thought was important so instead, the link to an episode of Maddow’s show.
* At this time, I am not providing for pay for members of the Girther Committee, but if George Soros or Tom Steyer or someone wants to pay or has a suggestion, I’m sure that the GC combined with the House of Representatives would be happy to listen to what they have to say.
#PayUpGOP #PayThePiper #CBO #GOPTaxScam